


Edward Cullen Must Die

by Drachesoul



Category: John Tucker Must Die (2006), Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 04:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drachesoul/pseuds/Drachesoul
Summary: Yes, I'm doing this. No, I don't know why. I felt like it, okay? It is what it sounds like, a Twilight/John Tucker Must Die crossover that no one wanted to happen. The first installment contains the first six chapters.Bella is a nobody. But all that changes when she becomes friends with Jacob Black, Jessica Stanley and Alice Brandon. They all run in different social circles but her three friends have one thing in common: They're all dating Edward Cullen.All's fair in love and war, right? Hell hath no fury like a woman (or a Jacob) scorned, and high school superstar Edward Cullen is about to wish he was dead.





	Edward Cullen Must Die

Title: **Edward Cullen Must Die**  
Author: Drachesoul

**Chapter 1: Dirty Little Secret**

* * *

**I watched John Tucker Must Die again after a very long while and got the inspiration for this. Slightly AU cause Jacob Black and the rest of the wolves attend Forks High. Oh, and because Alice and Jasper are not part of the Cullen clan, though they are vampires. Probably a little OOC as well.**

_My name is Bella Swan and I am invisible. Well, no, not literally. I guess I just have the habit of blending into the crowd. It's not that I didn't try to make myself known or anything, but I was always a real…_

"Loser," someone coughed in my direction as I sat down in my chair for math class. _There, see?_

_Because of this, when it came to anything romantic, I was woefully inexperienced._

"Hey," I turned around in my chair to face the boy who had poked me. He handed me a note scrawled on notebook paper with a big red heart drawn on the center. For a second, I forgot to breathe, wondering if this was the moment that I became known. "Sorry, but do you mind passing this on?"

I sighed and took the love note from him, dutifully tapping the shoulder of the girl seated in front of me. She gave me a strange look until I pointed to the guy behind me. She waved shyly back at him and all but grabbed the note out of my hands.

_There was also another thing working against me in my quest for visibility. And that was my father, Charlie Swan. Being the Chief of Police here in Forks, nobody ever wanted to hang out with me because of him._

I was busy unpacking the latest bunch of groceries that Dad had picked up from the store, frowning when I pulled out a gallon of milk clearly past its expiration date. The doorbell rang and I raced to answer it, throwing the milk in the trash on my way.

"Oh, hey, you're that Bella girl, right? My name's Ian and I just wanted to know if you had copied down the homework we were supposed to do…" He smiled wryly, looking a little embarrassed, running a hand through his hair.

"Bells? Where's the milk? I could've sworn I just picked some up." My dad sauntered into our small kitchen and stuck his head in the fridge. He had just come back home from work and was still wearing his uniform. I could hear the rattling as he rearranged the things in the refrigerator, no doubt looking for the milk I had just tossed.

The smile melted off the face of the boy at the door. "Um, never mind. Forget I asked. Please don't hurt me, sir, I was just asking for the assignment, I swear!" And he scampered off without even saying goodbye.

_Thanks, Dad. Ever since he and my mom got divorced, he had become one of the Most Eligible Bachelors in Forks. My dad never had any problems landing women, he just had problems keeping them._

I looked up from the homework that I had spread out on the dining room table to see my dad's latest chick poking around the fridge.

"Hey Bella. My name's Melissa."

"Ellie."

"Janet."

_I lost track of the names after the first few dozen, but I'm pretty sure one of his girlfriends was actually a dude. To make things easier for me, I just ended up naming them all Flake. Cause that's what they all did in the end. They flaked out._

Peering through the drawn blinds, I watched as Flake tried to sneak out of the house. She was doing a pretty miserable job at it, her four-inch heels clacking noisily on the brick outside our house. My dad didn't hear her though. I could catch him sobbing loudly in his room, the cries of pain disrupted by the sound of guns being fired.

_After the first Flake flaked, he began eating copious amounts of chocolate and playing violent first-person shooter games. He soon got into the habit and it became a ritual for him. Nothing was wrong with using Call of Duty and HALO as a therapy tool. It was inevitable though. After every break-up, he would take a few weeks off from work to recover, and I would have to stay home with him to make sure he didn't do anything dangerous, like trying to jam his fingers in the toaster and plugging it in. Don't laugh, he's tried very seriously on several occasions._

_Thanks to the fact that I wasn't very outgoing in the first place, whenever I came back to school, people had no idea who I was. I don't think anybody actually knew that I was gone in the first place. I could literally do and get away with anything I wanted. I could attend football and basketball games in relative anonymity. I suppose this entire mess started with one simple question, one question that hinted at the fact that I might be invisible no longer._

"Are you a narc?" the girl leaned forward to say in my ear, louder than I would've liked. I was standing in the bleachers and watching as our basketball team, the Forks Lifts, easily crushed the opposition. Several people sitting around me turned to stare at me.

"No," I replied hurriedly, my face turning red. The girl shrugged and began to talk to her friends again. I exhaled deeply. I was glad to have avoided a conversation.

_But enough about me. This whole story is about him. Edward Cullen._

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

_Let's face it. Edward Cullen is probably the closest thing our school has to royalty. He's the captain of the basketball team, his family is seriously loaded, and people say he looks like a cross between Adonis and a Hollister model._

Edward Cullen jumped, ball in hand, and made a slam dunk. The entire gym went wild. From my vantage point, I could see everything that was going on. Everyone was cheering for him. I personally couldn't see what people found so attractive about him in the first place. He looked a little too pale for me, but it was probably due to the lack of sunlight that Forks was constantly plagued by.

"Woo! Go Lifts, and beat those Panthers!" The cheerleaders shook their pom-poms and cheered vigorously. Our cheerleading team consisted of almost all males, which tended to throw off the other teams.

The school newspaper was here as well, filming every single second of the game. "This is Jessica Stanley filming live from the big game and there is no question that the Lifts are going to States this year, thanks to—"

"Edward Cullen here," he barged in as the referee blew his whistle, signaling a time out. "Also known as E-dog, E-man, E-zee, or the Grand Ruler. Most call me Edward though." He gave the camera a dazzling smile and a thumbs up as it panned away from him and onto the crowd. Excited about being on film the crowd doubled its energy.

"Kill the panthers!" one girl screamed from her seat a few rows below me. "Oh, but not really, they're endangered," she said sweetly to her friend. Giving her a signal, they stood up together and unfurled a banner that read _**Chicks for Chicks! Save their lives and go vegetarian!**_

_I remember the first time I ever met Edward Cullen, at the restaurant where I worked. It's not like he blew me away or anything. I had complete control of myself._

"Hi," he said simply, his voice rather soft and rich.

"H-h-hey," I stammered, looking into his eyes. I felt faint.

_Oh my god, the man had golden eyes!_

I cleared my throat, "Anyway, I-I want to know…ah, are you..?" I gestured wildly with my pen and pad of paper, hoping that he would get the question.

"I'm not quite ready to order yet, thanks." I nodded and spun around, making a quick exit and almost immediately stumbling over my own feet. Please tell me he didn't see that. But he was diligently perusing the menu and checking his watch. A girl with short dark hair walked to his table and he stood up, pulling her chair out for her.

_What on Earth was I thinking? Of course a guy that looks like that would have a girlfriend. That's Jessica Stanley. She's the President of the A/V Club, on the Student council, treasurer of the Honor Society , part of the Future Filmmakers of America, Vice-President of the drama club… I think that's it._

"I've decided to join our school's gay-straight alliance and film a documentary."

_Oh, and she's filming a documentary._

"Ay, esta comida es muy caro," she said, looking over the menu and into his eyes.

Edward smiled and bit his lip, "It is so sexy to hear you speak Spanish." I may not have been fluent in Spanish, but even I knew that what she had said was not remotely sexy. He was so daft.

I walked over to their table just as he leaned in to kiss Jessica. She enthusiastically returned the kiss and soon they were full-on making out.

"Um, do you guys want to wait a minute…?" I trailed off, using my order pad to shield my eyes.

_The day after, he was back at that table again. I would've wondered where he got all the money to eat here, but then I remembered that he probably was rich enough to buy this place. Only the chair he pulled out this time wasn't for Jessica Stanley. Tonight's girl wasn't even a girl. He had short black hair and a finely muscled body, with wild brown eyes and a wry grin._

"Edward's gay?" I asked my co-worker. She shook her head and set down her tray of food.

"He's bisexual, but I don't think he wants people to label him. Everyone accepts it and most of the girls actually like it."

I nodded and understanding and grabbed my pen to take their orders.

_Edward's boyfriend was Jacob Black, the head cheerleader. Make no mistake though, he was one fierce guy. As a male cheerleader, you would think that he would get bullied a lot. But his friends were always there to back him up. It was almost creepy sometimes how they were able to come to his side immediately. Like they were some sort of pack or something._

"So Seth says to me that our new cheer should be like Go, Fight, Beep! You know, like the sounds forklifts make."

"Go, Fight, Beep?" Edward said incredulously, scowling slightly.

"I know right!" Jacob growled. Like no, really, he actually growled.

I readied myself before walking over to their table, trying not to be noticed. I didn't want Edward to know that I was onto him. I succeeded.

"We'll take two house salads, with bacon for him and lobster for me," Edward said, not even looking my way.

"I love it when you do that," Jacob said as Edward took the menu from him.

"I love it that you love it when I do that," he simpered back. "We have to keep you looking as beautiful as we can." Dear god. I snatched the menus from them as they began to stare into each other's eyes, holding hands. "Oh, and waitress? No need to rush the food in between courses."

_The next night, he was back again._

"Now I've never been here before babe, so I hope the vegetarian options are acceptable," Edward said.

_Stop it already. You've got to be kidding me. Two girlfriends and a boyfriend?_

"Oh no, veal?" he cried, standing up. "I am _so_ sorry babe. You know if I wanted to torture animals, I'd work for a medical lab," he said indignantly. Really? He was such a drama queen.

She put a small hand on his shoulder, "Hey, it's okay, you didn't know."

"I would never work for a medical lab because they…torture animals," he finished lamely, sitting back down in his seat.

_Alright, now I'm definitely not one to pass judgment on anyone, but being a vegetarian teen activist with what looked like a bit of a vampire fetish was code for 'easy'. Her name was Alice Brandon and she was a stout member of PETA and a volunteer at the local blood bank._

"You know for you, I wouldn't give up all meat. Maybe I'd even try something extra rare." I saw Edward shiver slightly, as she whispered, looking quite excited.

_You know, I didn't get it. These people were at the top of their respective food chains and they all seemed to exude confidence. How did they have absolutely no clue that Edward Cullen was cheating on all of them?_

**A/N**

**So, what do you think? Should I continue? Anyway, thanks for reading. I love reviews. –Drachesoul.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Cats and Bags Never Go Well Together**

* * *

I was sitting with my co-worker at one of the break tables, picking at the lunch I had packed earlier that morning. There wasn't really much in the fridge back home, so I had to make do with a peanut butter sandwich.

"So, how do they not know that he's a total player?" I asked her, taking a huge bite of my lunch.

"Edward's a total operator," she said wistfully. "He goes out with girls and guys from different cliques and social circles so that they never actually talk to each other. It's pretty slick."

I chewed thoughtfully and swallowed, "But even if they never spoke to each other, wouldn't rumors start to spread around about it?" My co-worker was tearing up now and I wondered if she was one of his victims.

"No. He tells them all that his adoptive father won't let him date during basketball season, so they'll have to 'keep it a secret'." She was openly sad now.

"Wow, how do you know all of this stuff?" _I was pretty sure now that she had been one of his conquests._

She hiccupped, tears flowing down her face, "I don't know, just a guess?" She put her hands over her face and ran out, leaving the rest of her lunch untouched.

I spotted an uneaten cookie and looked around to make sure no one was watching before popping it in my mouth.

_Edward had high school all figured out. He was smart enough to figure out how to shut down the rumor mill so things never got out. If it ever got out that he was dating multiple people at the same time his career would be ruined._

_I wonder if they'll ever find out?_

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

I walked into school the next day, clutching my backpack and hiding in a particularly large throng of people. Forks only had one high school, so every kid in the town went here. It made staying invisible pretty easy. I peered out from behind a stocky football player to see Edward Cullen make his entrance.

"Yo, Ed, those were some sick moves last night!"

"What can I say? I am supernatural," he grinned, and I swear that his teeth were pointed. The entire school was bustling around at this point and for a few minutes I lost track of the pale superstar.

I spotted him a while later, sidling up to Jacob at his cheerleading booth. They were trying to sell tickets to the next game and there was a line of people down the hallway.

"Hey," Edward said, leaning down to wrap an arm around the muscular cheerleader's shoulders.

"Hey yourself," Jacob responded. Edward handed him a ten-dollar bill, saying that it was a donation for the cheer squad's next competition. "Thanks babe." Saying goodbye, Edward walked away from their table, smirking slightly.

_Damn, he's smooth._

Alice Brandon was the next person on his list, and I hung back a few feet so he wouldn't notice me standing around. Like anyone would notice me in the first place.

She was sitting at one of the cafeteria tables, organizing a large stack of flyers. Before Edward made his move, I snuck forward and grabbed one off the top of the stack, taking a moment to look it over.

_**Help support the cause!** _

_**Join Forks High as we hold a Halloween bash to raise the dead. Wear your scariest costume and get ready to party til the break of dawn!** _

_**When: Friday, October 31 from 8-11 p.m.** _

_**Where: Forks High Gym** _

_**Cost: $8.00** _

_**Proceeds will go to the Forks Humane Society.** _

The contact numbers for both the Humane Society and Alice herself were written below the information. Folding up the flyer, I stuck it in my bag just in case I felt like going.

"Alice, sweetie," Edward's smooth voice dripped like honey.

"Edward," she purred, giving him an appreciative once over. She was almost as pale as he was and had the same kind of mysterious aura going on. He leaned over her and pressed his lips to her neck. Her eyes closed and she bit her lip with pleasure.

_Geez, guys, really? School hasn't even started yet. Ew._

"Come to support the local animal shelter?" Alice batted her long eyelashes. She produced the sign-up sheet with a flourish and handed it to him.

"You know that I will do _anything_ to help the fight against animal abuse and neglect," he said, immediately signing up and fishing eight dollars out of his wallet. Alice handed him a ticket and blew him a kiss as he walked away.

Turning around a corner and into one of the hallways, I watched as Edward made his final morning stop. His destination: the bake sale table. Cupcakes and cookies decorated the entire table, being sold off to fund the purchasing of new equipment for the A/V club. And who should be there but Edward's third significant other.

Jessica Stanley was manning the booth with an iron fist, barking out orders to the two unlucky people helping her, Angela and Mike.

"Let's go guys, these cupcakes won't sell themselves."

"Maybe if we dressed them in slinky clothes they'll be more popular," Mike suggested, wiping a bit of frosting off his face. Jessica glared at him and he dropped a dollar in their money box.

"Shut up," Angela said, grabbing the tray of cupcakes before another one could be snagged. "Oh, Jess, it's him," she whispered.

I hid behind a row of lockers to watch this interaction.

"You got something sweet for me?" he asked her.

"Besides me? I guess I could scrounge up something," she replied playfully. Taking one of the cupcakes, she ran her finger through the frosting and offered it to him.

_*cough* slut._

Eyes darting back and forth, Edward eventually took her finger into his mouth and licked off the frosting. Jessica smiled widely and watched him leave, blatantly staring at his ass.

_Edward seemed pretty confident with his system for juggling both girls and guys, but even he couldn't anticipate the events of Red Tuesday. We found out later that our gym teacher had been mauled to death by what looked like wild animals. Creepy, but it wasn't the first time weird things had happened in Forks. Anyway, the point is…_

"Until the school board hires a new teacher, we are forced to combine all first period gym classes." A collective moan rose from the students, myself included. "Yeah, yeah I know, we all hate each other."

"No, we hate you!" A girl yelled, her identity hidden amongst the mass of students.

We had all been relegated to one side of the gym, the other side having been cordoned off for cleaning. A white net bisected the court and a giant collection of volleyballs stood to one side. Just my luck, I was notoriously bad at volleyball.

"All right, Valerie, Paul, Mike, Seth, Leah and Rosalie, this side!" The coach pointed to one side before consulting her clipboard.

"And on this side I want Alice, Jacob, Jessica, Angela, Embry and what's your face." She gestured to me and I stood up.

"Bella, my name's…Bella." She didn't even look my way, and I gave up trying to tell her.

The coach tossed a volleyball to Jacob and blew her whistle, shouting "All right ladies and gentlemen, let's play ball."

The game went on for a while, with neither team gaining a clear advantage. That surprised me, considering my horrible track record with volleyball. While Jacob prepared to serve I caught Jessica talking in a hushed tone to Angela.

"Why weren't you at the party last night?" Angela asked, keeping one eye on the net.

"Okay, well this is totally off the record and not fit to print, but I am dating," she cupped a hand over her face, trying to shield herself, "Edward Cullen."

A ball smacked into her face. "Hey!" she cried, spinning around to face Jacob, who had a beastly look on his face.

"Sorry, it slipped," he apologized, scorn dripping from his voice.

_Oh, here we go._

Shaking herself to regain control of the situation, Jessica bounced up and down on her feet, "It's alright, I'm good let—"

Her response was cut off again as the ball found its mark once more. "You know what?" she growled, stomping over to the cheerleader, "That was no accident!"

"He's mine, stay away from him!" the raven-haired boy snarled, hands curling into claws. Their body language indicated that a serious fight was about to go down. Alice intervened, placing her body in between theirs.

"Come on guys, stop fighting," she persuaded. "No guy is worth fighting over." I guess she hadn't heard who they were fighting over.

"There's nothing to fight about," Jacob sniffed, "Edward Cullen's mine!" He gasped in pain as Alice chucked a ball at him, hitting him square in the gut.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

" _I_ am dating Edward Cullen," she hissed, and her eyes blazed.

_Ooh, this was getting good. Edward Cullen, you've been found out._

"Enough!" The Coach blew her whistle behind me and my ears popped. But the three of them were already too far gone. The volleyballs became weapons as they started to throw them at each other, not caring who they hit in the process. "Stop it Alice."

One hit me in the forehead and knocked me back. Wow, they were pissed beyond belief.

"Let me at him, Coach!"

"Stay away from my man!"

"Give me the balls!"

I was unable to take it anymore. Why didn't they understand? "Would you all just stop it? This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him you're beating the shit out of each other?"

Our teacher's face grew red with anger. I barely managed to cup my hands over my ears before the harsh ring of the whistle broke my eardrums. "Language! Detention, you, you, you and you!"

_Well that didn't exactly work out._

I sighed in disgust and grabbed my backpack as the bell rang, storming off before the halls filled up with people. As I left, I heard people muttering behind me.

"Who _is_ that?" Jacob said, picking up the volleyballs he had thrown.

"I don't even know," Jessica answered, retrieving her own things and following my exit.

_The cat was out of the bag now and I was fairly certain that things were just getting started. I'm not a big fan of drama, it's completely pointless. But I'll tell you one thing's for certain. I was not looking forward to spending an after-school detention with all three of them._

* * *

**Chapter 3: Edward Cullen: Silver-tongued Cheater**

* * *

**A/N Well, after a very stressful year at college, I'm now home and ready to write more. To that anon who kept pestering me to update, this one is for you** **-Drachesoul**

I slowly made my way into the library after school, books in hand and ready to serve out my sentence. I'd never gotten a detention before, and I was curious as to what being "detained" was like. Walking past the front desk I found a group of tables, picking one and setting my things down.

There was a guy manning the front desk, though he wasn't doing a very good job of it. He had on a pair of headphones and judging by the music I could clearly hear, he hadn't heard me come in. I just looked at him for a minute as he rocked along to the music, still oblivious to my arrival. Picking up my heavy Biology textbook with both hands, I held it about six inches off the table and dropped it.

He still didn't turn around when the book crashed back to the table. The strange boy shut down the desktop, gathered his books and turned around, smile melting off his face in surprise. "Shit," he muttered, sliding the headphones off his head.

_Really?_

"Uh…hi." He grinned sheepishly back at me.

"Sorry, it's just that," he pointed to the headphones that hung around his neck.

"Cheap Trick, I understand," I said quietly.

"Yeah, yeah it is," he replied, looking impressed at my knowledge of music.

I smiled now, the awkward situation dissolving into thin air, "You can't really hum to Cheap Trick, once you start you're kind of obligated to…"

"Belt it out," He finished, walking towards me and holding out his hand. "Hi, I'm Jasper. You're in my Biology class, right?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded, looking around me. "So, where is everybody?" Jasper stared at me blankly. "Detention?" I clarified, hoping that I had come to the right location. The _last_ thing I needed was to show up late to detention.

The blonde boy cocked his head quizzically, and that gesture reminded me vaguely of someone. "You came early to detention?"

_Smooth, Bella. Now people are going to call you an idiot._

I fumbled for a minute, trying to regain my composure. "Well, I would hate to miss even a single second of being tortured," I mumbled lamely.

A passing conversation soon took my attention as Edward Cullen walked past the library, another girl clinging onto his arm. I seriously couldn't get what was up with him. "Ugh," I said, looking away as the girl leaned in for a kiss.

Jasper looked surprised, "Huh, you know that's not usually the reaction that he gets from girls. It's usually more like this." He moaned loudly, sounding like a cat in heat. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah, I guess asshole isn't my type," I said.

"You're definitely right, he can have some asshole moments," the blonde boy agreed, brushing a stray hair away from his face.

_You know, maybe I should have seen it sooner. I guess his statement just really caught me off guard at the time._

"Now I'm not the most observant girl in the world, but isn't Edward like, the equivalent to a god around here?"

"You're close, he's my older brother." He turned around to look at his brother, letting out an irritated huff. I cringed inwardly. God, I was _such_ an idiot.

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

So naturally the next thing that came tumbling out of my mouth was, "Oh! You're the other Cullen?"

"Define 'other Cullen'," he said, pulling out his phone and flipping through it. He handed it to me and showed me a picture of him and his brother, surrounded by other people with the same golden eyes and wearing matching baseball uniforms.

"You already know Edward and I. The blonde girl is Rosalie, she's a senior this year. The guy that's standing with his arms around her is my other older brother Emmett. You may have seen him on the wrestling team. People around here like to refer to me as the 'loser' Cullen behind my back."

_Aw, I didn't see him as a loser at all. Sure, I got a little bit of a strange vibe around him, but he liked the same music as me, so he couldn't be all bad, could he?_

"No, you're not a loser," I assured him, though I was pretty sure that as the new girl, my opinion didn't count for much. "It's just… you don't look like…" I struggled to find the right way to say this without sounding like a complete bitch.

Jasper tilted his head in understanding, "I don't look like I'm capable of inciting an all-girl smack-down of proportions similar to the Hunger Games?"

_Yeah, that was almost exactly what I was thinking. Maybe he's psychic…_

I simply nodded, not trusting myself to speak anymore. Besides, he seemed to be doing a good enough job filling in the blanks.

"Yeah, no, it's all good." Jasper tucked the last of his schoolbooks in his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "But hey, I'll let you in on a little secret though." He paused for dramatic effect, "My parents, Esmé and Carlisle, say that I'm special on the inside."

"Good for you," I smirked as he left, waving goodbye over his shoulder. I pulled out one of the hard plastic chairs and slumped down in it, pulling out a pencil and my calculus homework, a goofy smile still plastered on my face. Might as well start on it now.

I didn't think it was possible, but maybe, just maybe, I had made my first friend here at Forks High. I guess people wrote off Jasper because he was forever stuck in the shadow of his brother. Just goes to show I guess.

_Now, how in the hell do I do I find the derivative again?_

XXX

I spent the next few minutes in a quiet contemplation, trying to work through a particularly difficult problem. I tapped my pencil against my thigh and flipped through my calculus book for either a tutorial or a cheat sheet hidden somewhere in the index.

I glanced upward at the window again and saw that Edward hadn't moved from the general area. He looked like he was waiting for someone. Sure enough, not a moment later, Jacob came breezing through, looking slightly distraught. Interest piqued, I shut my book and checked around to make sure I was alone before dropping to my knees and crawling across to the window.

_Why on Earth am I suddenly so interested in Edward's comings and goings? Oh God, I wasn't turning into a stalker, was I?_

I accidently brushed by a stack of un-catalogued books that sat precariously on a shelf and sent them tumbling to the floor with a crash.

_I'd be the world's worst stalker._

I reached up to the window latch with one hand and pushed open the window just a bit.

"Edward? Can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Yeah, no problem babe. What's up?" Edward slung his thumbs in his pockets and looked at the raven-haired cheerleader.

"It's probably nothing, but in P.E. today, some loser said that…she went out with you." Recognition flashed in Edward's eyes, but he kept it cool, adopting a concerned tone.

"Really? And you believed her?"

Jacob sighed, running a hand through his short black hair. "Yes…no. I don't know. You can't have a girlfriend…"

"In basketball season," Edward finished, reaching out to caress Alice's cheek.

_Whoa, what the hell? Had I zoned out and imagined him talking to Jacob?_

"But if I could, you know who it would be, right?"

Alice Brandon nodded, still looking a bit wary, but accepting his story. Edward heaved a sigh and looked at his girlfriend with wide eyes.

"God, I don't even know why people say things like that. I mean, I think they're probably just jealous of what we have…"

The next time I peeked out over the windowsill, he was face-to face with Jessica Stanley. She looked the wariest of the three, with her arms crossed and expression determined. I got the feeling that even Edward's widest puppy-dog look wouldn't get him anywhere.

"Because we share something special, something we don't have to label. You know, it's an unspoken bond. And I just _love_ how secure you are," he purred.

_Damn it, Jessica, don't fall for it. Don't, don't…ah, fuck._

Peeved, I ducked back down and returned to my seat. Edward Cullen certainly was a force to be reckoned with. That boy had a silver tongue. Still irritated, I resumed my work just as Jacob and Alice filed in, sitting down at different tables. Jessica soon followed suit, entering just in front of the teacher on detention duty.

"All right, detention has begun," the teacher drawled, "I'll be right back." He turned on his heel and walked back out of the room, leaving me with the three lovers. "And no talking!"

I turned around to resume working on the ever mounting pile of worksheets and essays. As soon as the teacher was out of earshot, Jacob, Alice and Jessica all turned around to glare at each other across the tables.

"So I talked to Edward," Jacob said, flippantly. "It was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because…"

"We share something special. Something that we didn't have to label…" Alice continued, her eyes beginning to widen in understanding. "Because it's out unspoken bond…"

Jessica finished off the speech, "And I just love how secure you are? And it hurts me to hear you question it…"

"Because you're the _only one for me!_ " all three of them shouted in unison, looking outraged.

_There we go. The cat's finally out of the bag. Huh, they're taking it better than I thought they would._

"Damn, he said the same thing to all of us," Jacob seethed, clutching his pencil so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Alice huffed, taking a bite of her completely vegan friendly snack. "It figures. First he makes up with us, then he hooks up with us –"

"You guys hooked up?" Jessica whispered angrily.

"Edward and I share something special," Alice turned up her nose at the taller brunette.

Jessica scoffed, "Oh, what, that you've both been in your pants?" Ouch. Not bad, Jessica, not bad.

"We share a vegan non-violent outlook on life," and with that, Alice turned away from the other two.

"Hippie slut," Jacob tried to mask the insult with a poorly-timed cough.

"Oh, stellar, Jake, it's not like everyone doesn't know that Mr. Cheerleader _brings it on,_ " Alice hissed, pelting him with one of her veggie sticks, looking furious.

They dissolved into a heated argument, flashing dirty looks and insults left and right. I felt oddly out of place, a bystander that just happened to be caught in the crossfire. They acted like I wasn't even there.

_Maybe I misjudged the intensity of the situation._

"Look, Edward and I belong together," Jacob stated, as if it were painfully obvious. "After all, he is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader."

"Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?" Alice snarled. Clearly she had some type of beef with Jacob, more than she did with Jessica. There was something there that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Jessica stared at the two of them in disbelief, "Like he'd take either of you two seriously!"

"Do not lump me with him!"

"Oh, so what, now you're better than me?"

"At least I don't smell like a wet dog after gym class."

I groaned, all of their bickering giving me a headache. I did learn some crafty new insults though. "Shut up, all of you."

The trio of scored lovers turned to stare at me, as if they just realized that I was there. "What?"

_Oh crap, did I say that out loud?_

"Sorry, I'm sorry," I backpedaled, trying to melt back into the background, but to no avail.

"If you have something to say, just say it," Jacob sighed.

"No, it's…nothing. Not my business," I cleared my throat and went back to my work, aware that they still had their gazes trained on me.

"What?" asked Jessica.

I set my pencil down, closed my book and folded my hands together, looking at them. "Let me guess. He always uses pet names like babe, or sweetheart, right?"

They nodded, motioning for me to continue. "That's not out of affection, he just does it so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about some unspoken bond and shit, but he's never willing to talk about a relationship. The whole arrangement was your idea in the first place so in the end you feel guilty that he cheated."

Jacob looked dumbstruck, "Son of a bitch, are you dating Edward too?"

"What? No," I replied quickly, suppressing an 'ew!' of disgust. "I've just known people like him. Flake," I mumbled under my breath, images of my dad's many girlfriend's popping into my head.

Alice cocked her head quizzically and said, "She's right, Edward is always making me feel guilty." Jacob and Jessica agreed.

_It was then that I got an idea in my head. A crazy one, but one that I was thinking might work. After all, hell hath no fury like a scorned lover. Or something like that. I hated English._

"You know, it seems to me that if someone I knew ever treated me that way…"

"Yeah, yeah, you'd break up with him blah-blah-blah." They all turned away. Crap, I was losing them. "Edward would have another girlfriend in seconds."

I grinned wickedly and the words just came out. "Oh, no, I didn't say 'break up'. I'd get even."

Now I had their full attention, "Who are you?" Jessica asked, the smallest of smiles starting to form on her face.

"Bella Swan."

**Next time on Edward Cullen Must Die:**

" **Okay guys, we need to define Edward. He's a statue wrapped in a painting in a frame of perfect muscle, but what makes him tick? Is it that charm or those piercing golden eyes? What is it? Dig deep."**

**Jessica swiveled around in her chair, laser pointed at the image of a shirtless Edward Cullen that had obviously been photoshopped.**

" **It's everything, his eyes, his lips, his chest," Alice looked off into the distance, her pupils beginning to dilate in the darkness. "The way when he hugs you and his whole body kinda…tightens."**

" **We all know what happens when boys get happy," Jacob snarked.**

" **Not what I meant!"**

_**Good Lord, what have I gotten myself into?** _

* * *

**Chapter 4: An Unlikely Alliance**

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for sticking with me and reading this fanfiction. Follows are appreciated and I love reviews, so keep 'em coming.**

**Lots of love,**

**Drachesoul**

Cheap Trick blasted through my old, battered headphones as I tapped my pencil to the music, choosing to completely forgo the rest of my homework and logging on to Tumblr. It had been a long and taxing day at school, though I couldn't help but smile as I remembered the scandalous looks on Jacob, Alice and Jessica's faces when they found out they were being cheated on. I mean, come on, how stupid do you have to be to fall for an act that has obviously been rehearsed one too many times to be considered well thought out?

_Maybe I shouldn't laugh. After all, they actually seemed hurt by the fact that Edward would cheat on them. And since when did I become so personally invested in Edward Cullen's infidelity?_

My dad knocked on my door and I pulled out my earbuds, placing them on top of my laptop and snapping it shut. The last thing I wanted my father to see was an inappropriately-timed image of two guys going at it on my screen. Oh, Tumblr. Food, fandoms and porn. Lots of porn.

"Hey," I greeted him, noticing the brand new pair of pants and tasteful button-down shirt. I guess he had found somebody else. Wow, that was fast. "Are you going out tonight?"

He checked his watch, "Yeah, I'm actually running a little late. Got a date tonight."

Uncrossing my legs, I sat on the edge of the bed, looking interested. "Oh, let me guess. Is she a singer?"

"No." It was a little game we would play every time he went out with a woman for the first time. Charlie had definitely gotten around, and had dated dentists, lawyers, DJs, and even a schoolteacher.

"Librarian?"

"I wish," he sighed. Way too much info, dad.

"Okay, I give up, who is she?"

"She's a doctor." Charlie grinned, looking rather pleased with himself. Even after heartbreak after heartbreak, he just came back stronger than ever. My dad was a player. "Well, sort of. She's a vet tech."

I nodded in understanding, "Ah, you're dating a dog nurse now. Nice. What are you waiting for, get going!"

I shoved him out of my room and was about to close the door when he said, "Oh, before I forget, you have a friend at the door." He backed away, laughing loudly. "Never thought I'd say that out loud. Ha ha!"

"You are a _jerk_!" I yelled at his retreating form, my ears red. Never mind the fact that it was true. I stomped my way downstairs, meaning to catch him, but as I approached the door, he was already backing out of the driveway. He gave me a cheerful wave and sped off.

My gaze focused back on the person standing at my doorstep and my jaw dropped. How in the hell had he gotten my address?

"I want to bring down Edward Cullen," Jacob said calmly, brushing past me in his way in.

"Yeah, come right in," I replied sarcastically, closing the door behind him. "How exactly did you get this address?"

Jacob rifled through our fridge, grabbed a soda and collapsed on the couch, looking right at home. "My dad is friends with yours. He told me where I could find you. I told you, I want to bring down Edward Cullen."

"Oh, you were actually listening to me?" I sounded awestruck and the raven-haired cheerleader raised his eyebrows. "Sorry, it's just, I didn't expect any of you to take me seriously."

"Well, why not? You seemed to know what you were talking about." Jake stood up, spotted one of the ottoman chairs we kept beside the couch and dragged it over to his spot with one hand. He propped his feet up just as the doorbell rang.

"You didn't invite anyone here, did you?" I asked.

Shaking his head, Jacob downed the last dregs of his soda and said, "No, but I get the feeling that I'm not the only person who's interested in what you have to say." He crushed the empty can in his fist and threw it in the garbage can next to the fridge from his seat.

_Oh, no. No, no, no. I didn't actually expect for them to listen to my speech. Now what am I going to do?_

I opened the front door to see both Alice Brandon and Jessica Stanley huddled on my doorstep, the cold October air sending shivers up and down my spine. "Hi guys."

Jessica peered past me and stared at Jacob, who waved half-heartedly. She turned back to me, looking determined. "Normally I'm against slaughtering animals, but in Edward Cullen's case I'll make an exception."

XXX

"But I don't even know him," I stuttered, ushering Jacob, Alice and Jessica into my room, shutting the door behind me. "I don't run in the same circles you guys do."

"So? The fact that you don't know him is what makes this perfect. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered," Alice sat down on my bed and moved my laptop from its resting spot.

Jessica sighed loudly, "It's _neutral,_ not neutered." Alice flipped her off casually. "Look, Bella, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other."

"Yeah, you brought us here and showed us that we all have one major thing in common," Jacob added, flipping open my laptop and clicking on my closed internet window. I rushed toward him, trying to prevent my Tumblr from being seen, but it was too late. And as per my usual bad luck, the page refreshed to show a GIF of two guys going at it. "Huh. I may have more in common with you than I thought."

I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt when Jessica and Alice, upon hearing Jacob's comment, swarmed around my computer to take a long look.

"Wow, Bella, who knew?"

"Damn, those guys are unnaturally hot…"

"Wait, don't we know him?"

_Honestly, I was amazed at how quickly they were able to get off track. Any and all grievances the three of them had against Edward seemed to evaporate with the appearance of gay porn. Oh, and now they were searching the tag labeled 'gay porn'._

"Guys!" I finally succeeded in wrenching my laptop away from Jacob and locking the screen. "Can we _please_ get back on track here? From what I can see the only thing you three have in common is your love for gay porn."

Jessica glared at me and reached for the computer in my hands. I backed away slowly, determined not to give in to her. "Fine, you want to know what we all have in common? We all want to kill Edward Cullen."

_Oh, okay._

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

"The learning center? Who even knew this was here," Alice breathed, following Jessica as she walked them to a room labeled 'AV ROOM'. I was thinking along the same lines, wondering how I could have missed this place. It was on the second floor of the school, with a huge window that overlooked the cafeteria. Several people were typing madly on the school computers, muttering about deadlines and college applications.

We all huddled around the window and observed Edward as he came strutting through the double doors, flanked by his sister Rosalie and his brother Emmett. People parted before them like the Red Sea, giving the most popular man at Forks High the space he deserved.

"Look at that smug bastard, walking around like he owns the school," Jacob scoffed, his voice laced with disgust.

"Well, he does," Alice said, sighing wistfully.

Jessica finally fished the key out of her backpack and unlocked the door to the AV Room, hissing at us to come over. "Guys, this way. And don't touch anything."

"Wow. Jessica, you spend _way_ too much time in after school programs," I said before I could stop myself.

_Oops, sometimes my inner snark came out at the worst times. Bad Bella. Bad._

She glared venomously at me, not noticing that both Alice and Jacob shot me a thumbs-up from behind her back. "Alice, can you get the lights?"

I pulled out a chair and slumped down in it, setting my backpack next to me as I heard Alice rummage around, trying to find a light switch.

"Alice, it's a remote labeled 'lights'," Jessica sighed, pointing to a bulky black remote covered in fluorescent duct tape. Sure enough, scrawled in black sharpie was the word 'lights'.

The room darkened as the others took their seats. Jessica flipped the cover off one of the projectors and hooked it up to her Mac, starting it up. "M'kay, let's get started. Bella, do your thing."

I had a thing? Oh, crap, was I supposed to have come up with something to say. "W-what was it that…um…attracted you to Edward in the first place?"

Jessica snapped her fingers and began tapping at her keyboard, "Yes, I love where you're going with this. Okay guys, we need to define Edward. He's a statue wrapped in a painting in a frame of perfect muscle, but what makes him tick? Is it that charm or those piercing golden eyes? What is it? Dig deep."

She swiveled around in her chair, laser pointed at the image of a shirtless Edward Cullen that had obviously been photoshopped.

"It's everything, his eyes, his lips, his chest," Alice looked off into the distance, her pupils beginning to dilate in the darkness. "The way when he hugs you and his whole body kinda…tightens."

"We all know what happens when boys get happy," Jacob snarked.

"Not what I meant!"

_Good Lord, what have I gotten myself into?_

"Guys, save it for Edward, okay?" I tried to drive some sense into them, hoping that things wouldn't devolve into another fistfight. "You all agree that he's hot. So what do we do about it?"

Jacob raised his hand, "In cheerleading we usually try to tear down the other team. You know, by making fun of them and trying to undermine their confidence."

"I don't think this is a case for 'U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi," Alice shot back, clearly still peeved at him. Jessica stifled a snort from her seat. I thought about it for a moment, suddenly coming to a revelation.

"As much as I hate to admit it right now, I think Jake has a point," I quickly scribbled down some notes in one of my empty notebooks and went over my thoughts again. "Look, since Edward's game is that he always has a girlfriend or boyfriend at his beck and call, to get even with a guy like that, you'd want to make him…undatable."

Jessica squealed and typed something in her computer. "Yes. A systematic destruction of all that Edward Cullen stands for." She looked up and pressed the enter key, taking the picture of Edward Cullen and blowing him up, shattering his visage into millions of tiny pixels. Jacob and Alice looked on, smiling widely.

All of a sudden, Alice shot out of her chair, clapping wildly, "Oh my god you guys, I think I have an idea."

XXX

Jacob, Jessica and I sat huddled in the bed of Jacob's pickup truck, camouflaged behind a thick copse of trees, waiting for Alice's friend to show up. She had assured us that her photographer friend would be more than willing to help us out, especially if it was to get back at Edward Cullen. I sensed yet another scorned ex-lover.

A small sedan crept up behind us and her friend Laurent exited the vehicle, dressed to the nines and carrying a high-tech camera in one hand. He walked up to us and introduced himself. "My friend Alice said you could use some help. Here. This is a wireless USB key that has been connected to a tiny camera atop my equipment. It should allow you to see what happens."

Jacob took the key from him with a flirty smile and plugged it into Jessica's computer. It took a moment for the signals to sync, but soon enough we spotted a slightly blurry Alice and a nervous looking Edward Cullen standing by an old tree.

"Ah, there you are Laurent," Alice chirped, kissing him on the cheek in greeting. They played their parts extraordinarily well, not letting on to the plan at all. "You know, Laurent is a very well-known photographer who's done work for Vogue, Maxim, Elle and GQ. He's also done all of my yearbook photos since middle school, on recycled paper. I remember you once saying that you wanted to get your name out there and when Laurent approached me with a job, I thought you would be perfect for it."

Edward's nervous expression melted off his face in an instant, to be replaced with that dazzling smile, not realizing what he was about to do. "Cool. Then let's do it."

Alice smiled at the camera and waved a finger in acknowledgement before turning back to her boyfriend, obviously enthralled as he pulled off his shirt, flexing his arms.

_Wow, no wonder that picture I saw was photoshopped. He didn't look bad, but the pasty look really wasn't doing anything for me._

Laurent motioned for Alice to move out of the way, and the camera attached to his equipment panned away from her and onto Edward. "Now, we'll start things off as natural as possible, so just act normally. Now pout, Edward, pout!"

Edward looked surprised, but soon got into it, flawlessly changing from pose to pose, his usual confident demeanor rushing back in full force.

"You're angry now, Edward, look the part. Yes, gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. Oh, and now you're a tree, bending in the wind. Let me see those strong branches!"

I was glad that we were parked far enough away to avoid arousing any suspicion, because all of us were laughing so hard that the car shook. Jacob had tears prickling at the edge of his eyes and Jessica looked extremely satisfied. As for me, well, I felt happier than I had in a long time, sitting between the head cheerleader and the activities-obsessed brunette. Maybe I was on my way to having some real friends.

_This was going to be all kinds of epic._

**Next time on Edward Cullen Must Die:**

" **Okay, what we need is one major hit, something that will crush Edward's whole 'macho' thing, ya know?" Alice rolled the bottle of pills in her hands, trying to think of something, her eyebrows knitted in concentration.**

**Jacob's eyes widened and he grabbed the pills from her and holding them up triumphantly. "And what's more terrifying to a man than not being manly?"**

**Jessica high-fived him and immediately opened up her internet browser, searching for the major side effects of a male ingesting estrogen.**

_**I would not like to get on the bad side of these three. With the right keeper, who knows what they were capable of?** _

* * *

**Chapter 5: How to Destroy a Man Pt 1**

* * *

"Shh, you guys be quiet, he's going to be here any second," I hissed as I snuck my way down the center aisle of the crowded movie theater, a bag of buttered popcorn in one hand, beckoning for the three of them to follow suit. "We can't let him see us!"

The four of us settled down in the front row of the balcony, overlooking the rest of the theater, watching as people filed in to catch the latest teen flick. Not that I cared much about the movie this time around, though it had been on my list of movies to catch. No, there was something much more entertaining that was about to happen.

I waited on the edge of my seat nervously, waiting for our quarry to show up with yet another one of his not-so-secret girlfriends. Alice's friend had submitted the results of his photo shoot to various advertisers and one company had jumped at the chance to use Edward.

_Laurent had assured us that we were in for a treat today, and judging by the feral-looking smile on his face, Edward was in for a big shock._

"Oh, there he is!" Jacob whispered, speaking around a mouthful of popcorn. Good lord that boy could pack away the food. I wondered how he was able to consume so many calories and yet stay so remarkably fit. "And he's with one of the art geeks. I think her name is Victoria or something."

Alice shushed us and we all leaned in to catch some snippets of their conversation. "You know, it is so cool that you're into sculpting. I mean, what are human beings here for if not to sculpt animals and things out of clay?"

Victoria Whatever-her-last-name-was grinned and gently took Edward's hand. "Really? I am _so_ glad you feel that way."

I snorted, amazed that the girl had fallen for such a shallow display. I mean, _I_ could see how badly he'd thought that one out, and I knew that I wasn't always the most observant person to begin with. The theater lights dimmed slightly, announcing that the show was about to begin, but it was still plenty bright enough to see what unfolded next.

Alice pointed at the screen and squealed as a giant picture of Edward Cullen appeared on the movie screen, in all his shirtless glory. At Laurent's request, he had plastered on his best puppy-dog look, complete with the sad, pleading gaze.

"Is that you?" Victoria asked, looking mildly impressed, taking a sip from her soda cup. Edward turned to her and flexed his arm muscles.

"Yeah, I'm now doing some part-time male modeling," he said. The pompous ass. A caption flashed underneath his picture, **Is this just another cute face?**

"Really, that's cool."

"Hey, can I have a sip of that?" She dutifully handed over her soda for him to drink from, too busy staring at his eyes to notice the picture changing and the caption flashing.

**Or is this the face of GENITAL HERPES?**

_Oh, snap._

The tittering in the theater finally escalated to the point where Victoria looked away from him to see the advertisement. She gasped, looking from the real Edward to the picture onscreen and back again, before backing away quickly, standing up to leave, looking horrified.

Up in our seats, we were having a blast, Jacob, Jessica and I all congratulating Alice on a job well done. I peered over the railing to see Edward stand up and proclaim to the audience, who by now had recognized who he was, that he was completely clean.

"No, I do not have that," He protested, as people parted like the Red Sea around him. "I only model as a guy with genital herpes, I swear."

Picking up a handful of popcorn from the bottom of my bag, I nonchalantly tossed it over the side, aiming for him. Other people followed suit and soon a shower of popcorn and candy pelted Edward, sticking to his clothes and getting caught in his hair.

He grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the theater in a huff, ignoring the cat-calls and insults as he left. I turned to my left to say to Alice, "Oh my god, that was absolutely epic!"

Even she was impressed, looking quite pleased with herself. The commotion soon died down to the occasional mutter or two was the theater lights dimmed completely and the movie actually started. The four of us took a moment to high-five each other before settling back down in our chairs to actually watch what we had come here for.

_I thought things were going to be good then. You know, just a one and done kind of thing. I should have known that Edward Cullen would not go down easily._

_**Two days later** _

This time, the four of us sat together in the back row of the auditorium, clapping half-heartedly as Edward Cullen walked across the stage at our school's annual volunteer awards ceremony, having been chosen from a pool of five other qualified nominees.

He shook hands with our principal and the founder of the organization, gratefully accepting a small engraved plaque from them before approaching the microphone and clearing his throat to silence the crowd who just days ago had been jeering at him.

"I don't personally suffer from an STD," he said winningly, gesturing to his fellow nominees. "But one of five young adults do." Edward held up his plaque and stared straight at the audience. "And I am proud to give my voice to the silent."

The room erupted into more cheering, drowning out the groans from my friends. I pulled out my cell phone and sent everyone a quick text, not wanting to risk being heard even though there was a slim chance of anyone listening in.

**I think we need a new plan guys. Any ideas? –Bella**

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

"Okay, it should have worked," I mused, sticking my head in the fridge to retrieve four cans of soda, passing them out to my friends. "Are we missing something?"

Jacob popped open the can with one finger, busy tapping out a text message to somebody. "I'm missing something, my social life," he complained. "Sam's been bugging me to go out on a run with him for ages now. Like, it's not my fault that he's been letting things slip in my absence."

I nodded, pretending like I knew what having a social life felt like. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a total loner, but my social calendar was so empty that I hadn't even bothered opening it. I felt that ever since I'd been roped into destroying Edward Cullen, more people seemed to like me. They couldn't remember my name, but at least they were civil towards me.

"Hey, guys, what's happening?" Charlie's voice drifted from the other side of the house as he walked in, clutching a pair of grocery bags in his hands. I hoped this time he had remembered to check the expiration dates on everything. "Planning anything diabolical?"

"Nothing, just destroying a man," Jessica chirped, pulling a laptop out of her backpack and turning it on.

Charlie paused to think through her words, shaking his head after a moment of intense thought. "Okay…I'll just let you guys get back to work then." He blew me a kiss before turning back the way he came.

"Thanks, Mr. Swan," Alice said sweetly, looking over Jessica's shoulder to peer at the other girl's screen. "Hey, what are you always typing on there, Jess?"

"Oh, nothing really. I have my to-do list, my goals list, my contingencies list, my observations, my notions…" She trailed off as Alice and I left her to her rant.

Alice absentmindedly tapped a pencil against the countertop, "So, what's our next step, Bella?"

I paused for a second, going over the plan. Okay, who was I kidding, I had no plan. We had been winging it so far and things had been turning out decently well. Why fix what isn't broken?

My attention soon drifted back towards Jacob, who was trying to sneak something out of his backpack, "What are you doing, Jake?"

He flinched and tried to quickly shove whatever he had in his hands back into his backpack, but Alice got to him first, wrestling a bottle out of his clenched fists. "What is that, Jacob?"

Alice gasped and rolled the bottle over so Jessica and I could see the label. "Estrogen? Jake, you realize you're a dude, right?" I gestured for the bottle and Alice threw it to me.

"It's not for me," he growled lowly, getting out of his seat in protest but Alice merely pushed him back down. "We have a new female cheerleader on the squad and she needs that stuff to help control her transfor—I mean her medical issues."

I peered at the label, "Whatever you say man." I held the bottle of pills in my hand before an idea suddenly struck me. I tossed Jacob's pills back to Alice while I scrambled to find a pen and paper.

"Do you have an idea?" Jessica asked, offering her laptop for me to type on.

"Maybe," I muttered, "But keep thinking."

"Okay, what we need is one major hit, something that will crush Edward's whole 'macho' thing, ya know?" Alice rolled the bottle of pills in her hands, trying to think of something, her eyebrows knitted in concentration.

Jacob's eyes widened and he grabbed the pills from her and holding them up triumphantly. "And what's more terrifying to a man than not being manly?"

Jessica high-fived him and immediately opened up her internet browser, searching for the major side effects of a male ingesting estrogen.

_I would not like to get on the bad side of these three. With the right keeper, who knows what they were capable of?_

XXX

The next morning, the four of us met up in an alleyway a block from school grounds to go over our plan before we put it to the test. There was no way we could lose this time. Finally, people would see Edward for who he really was.

"Okay, Jake, do you have the pills?" I asked. He shook the bottle of crushed-up pills and slipped in into his gym bag. "Great, and Jessica, you, Alice and I will be sitting in the bleachers, under the guise of planning a basketball team fundraiser to help sponsor the big Halloween dance."

Jessica glanced at her watch, which she told me had been perfectly synchronized to whatever lame international standard they had for time-keeping. "Okay, practice starts in ten minutes. We ready?"

Jacob patted the pocket which held our latest plan and nodded. "Let's do this thing."

XXX

"Guys, get your asses into gear, we only have a few months until playoffs and I will not let the Forks Lifts lose the title again to some ratty team that doesn't know the difference between an assist and a defensive rebound!"

I looked up from our tight little circle of people at the mass of guys clad in maroon and white jerseys as they played back and forth. Edward was of course leading the pack, sweat glistening on his neck.

_Okay, when the hell did I start looking at him this way? Bad Bella, bad._

Over on the other half of the gymnasium, Jacob and his cheerleaders were practicing their routine for Regionals. I spotted Leah, the girl who had generously lent us her bottle of estrogen pills. She glared at me, knowing what I was planning to use them for. I waved cheerfully and she flipped me off. Hmm, must be the mood swings.

"All right guys, take a water break before anybody else collapses of dehydration." The coach blew his whistle and the team dispersed. Jacob saw the motion from the corner of his eye and called for a break of his own.

"Come on, Jake, get this done," I whispered, tapping Alice's leg to get her attention. She turned around to follow the action.

Jacob approached Edward, "Hey, what's up?"

"Oh, hey Jake. I saw the routine you guys are gonna perform and can I say hot _damn_!" Jacob's fake smile faltered for a moment, exposing his underlying intent for a split second. I could only hope that our target didn't notice.

Edward reached around Jacob to grab his water bottle, setting it beside a container full of protein powder. "Oh, are you trying to bulk up?" Jacob asked innocently.

"Yeah, coach has me taking this stuff twice a day. You'd think my speed would be enough for him, but no, I gotta look the part." He flexed, trying to impress Jacob who tried his best not to look too impressed, though I caught him staring at the other boy's arms.

_Good job Jake. Just a couple more minutes._

"I don't think it's working," Jacob said bluntly, clapping Edward on the shoulder and showing his own muscles, which admittedly were bigger. "You're definitely losing tone, man. Hey, maybe you should double up doses."

Edward looked taken aback by the frank comment, looking at his arms in dismay and for a second I thought I saw a flash of insecurity, only to disappear as quickly as it had come. "Yeah, I think I will. Thanks, babe." He leaned in to plant a chaste kiss on Jacob's lips before the coach blew his whistle again, signaling the end of the break. "See you around."

As soon as he was out of eye and ear-shot, Jacob pulled out the pills and grabbed the container of protein powder, hastily dumping the contents into the bigger bottle and mixing it around. He snuck away back towards his fellow cheerleaders when Edward mentioned that he had forgotten to put powder in his water.

Flashing me a smile, Jacob looked over his shoulder as Edward unscrewed the cap to his water and dumped not two, but four tablespoons of protein into the bottle. "The trap has been sprung, ladies and gentlemen. There's nothing left to do now but wait."

"How long do we have to wait to see any changes?" Alice asked and Jessica pulled up the internet browser on her phone to check.

"I'd say we only have to wait until the next basketball game, ladies," she stated and the three of us collapsed into a fit of giggles.

**Next time on Edward Cullen Must Die:**

" **Ladies, I brought popcorn, courtesy of whatever random nerd I stole it from," Jacob gestured dramatically, revealing three bags of popcorn. "Oh, and don't worry Alice, I got you one without any butter."**

" **Oh, you are my hero," she squealed, grabbing her bag and settling back down in her seat. "It's almost halftime, Bella, are you sure this thing I going to work?"**

**I wrung my hands nervously, "It better, or this plan isn't going to work."**

" **Relax, Bells," Jacob assured me, reaching into Jessica's bag to snag a few kernels of popcorn. "Things will work out just fine."**

" **I hope so."**

* * *

**Chapter 6: How to Destroy a Man Pt 2**

* * *

Things were starting to turn around for me, I guess. At least that's what I thought when Edward's younger brother Jasper approached me just before Chemistry class the following Tuesday. "Hey, Bella, can I ask you a favor?"

I turned around in my swiveling stool to face him, "It depends on what the favor is."

Jasper grinned sheepishly. "Well I'm kind of in need of a new lab partner, I was partnered with Embry until last week."

I narrowed my eyes, "Why do I get the impression that there's more to that story?"

"He sort of got burned during our last experiment."

"And I assume you're not talking about serving him a particularly well-crafted insult?"

"Hey, I clearly told him, 'Dear God man, you're on fire, run for your life," Jasper set his things down next to me, almost as if he knew I wouldn't turn him down. And he was right, who was I to deny him a passing grade in Chemistry.

"A clear warning. Fine, we can be partners, just promise me you'll let me handle anything flammable." He held up his hands in surrender, eyes twinkling with mirth just as the bell rang and class started.

The two of us then proceeded to monumentally fuck up this week's assignment, though to be fair no one got injured. Honestly, it was one of the best chemistry classes I'd had in a long time. I looked over at Jasper as he tried his hardest to measure out the correct amount of saltwater to add to our beaker. _What would he think of us planning to take down his brother? Would he think less of me as a person?_

I sighed, shaking my head to rid myself of errant thoughts. Now wasn't the time to think about this, Edward's basketball game was tonight and our little ragtag squad had the best seats in the house to watch the king fall.

XXX

Edward Cullen Must Die

XXX

The shenanigans started just after halftime. Our team had a comfortable enough lead, but I could tell something just wasn't looking right with Edward. I made sure we researched the effects of a man taking estrogen, and as long as we pulled his tainted protein powder after this game he wouldn't suffer any lasting side effects to his body. His reputation on the other hand…

"Ladies, I brought popcorn, courtesy of whatever random nerd I stole it from," Jacob gestured dramatically, holding up three bags of popcorn and dutifully passing them out to each of us. "Oh, and don't worry Alice, I got you one without any butter."

"You are my hero," she squealed, blowing him a kiss and settling back down in her seat, turning to face me. "It's almost halftime Bella, are you sure this thing is going to work?"

I wrung my hands nervously, "It better, or else we've lost this one."

"Relax Bells," Jacob assured me, stealing a handful of popcorn from Jessica's bag before going back down to the courtside to perform with his squad. "Things are gonna work out perfectly."

_I hope so. Oh, something's happening on the court._

Edward had gotten a hold of the ball and was running it across the court, but his progress was being hampered by one of the opposing team's guards, and by the looks of things the guy was one of those pushy alpha-male types, who harassed Edward just enough to get under his skin without provoking punishment from the referees. I didn't know much about basketball, but Jacob told me that while physical violence was cause for a foul, there was nothing in the rules about a little shit-talking.

"Hey, lay off," Edward muttered as the guard chest bumped him a little, trying to rile him up. "That's sensitive."

"I'm sorry princess, did you break a nail?" The other boy sneered as Edward tried in vain to fake him out by passing the ball to a teammate. I could almost smell the tension in the air as the two of them glared daggers at each other.

"Seriously, how many times do I have to flush before you leave me alone? Play clean," Edward hissed through gritted teeth.

"Hey if I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted," the boy growled, and that was enough to set him off.

The crowd gasped as Edward shoved the guard backward, invoking a technical foul from the referee. "He started it, he was being mean!"

Beside me, Jacob was cracking up courtside, tears streaming down his cheeks. He was having way too much fun with this. Alice and Jessica were feeling similarly, trying to smother their laughter as Edward stalked off the court and onto the bench, swiping a candy bar from one of Jake's cheerleaders and downing it.

"Dude that's Leah's," one of them complained, but he was held back by Jacob who had composed himself a little.

"I need it. Do my thighs look fat in these shorts?" Jacob just shook his head emphatically and dragged his squad away. Edward's suspension only lasted eight minutes and he was soon back on the court, but his teammates had finally noticed something was up with their star player and they were refusing to pass the ball to him.

The crowd was cheering the Forks Lifts on as the other team started to whittle down the lead between them.

"I'm open!" Edward called out, looking offended beyond belief when his command didn't work and the ball was passed to someone else. "Dude what the hell? I said I'm open!"

He continued to be belligerent until his team got tired of his whining and passed to him, an easy shot that he immediately fumbled and gave over to the other team, who scored an easy basket. "Look what you made me do!"

The referee called a time out after that last embarrassing shot. Jacob and his cheerleaders went out to distract the crowd while the coach gave Edward a real ribbing. "Eddie boy, what's happening out there tonight?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Don't I look okay? Cause I feel okay, I feel fine," Edward was rocking back on his heels uncomfortably while his coach grilled him. "What are you saying?"

"I'm telling you to freaking focus, we got one minute left on the clock to finish this game, I gotta know if you're in it to win."

Edward looked like he was about to snap and argue with the coach but he swallowed it back and put his hand in for a final cheer. "I'm in it."

The whistle blew and the game resumed, the last minute on the scoreboard beginning to tick down. I was a little disappointed to be honest. Sure he was acting a little like a teenage girl on her cycle, but everyone would just chalk up his out of character behavior to stress and leave it at that. No one questioned the star player even if he was a bit of a dramatic diva. The other three however seemed to be satisfied enough with his situation, though I knew they'd soon be wanting a better plan.

Little did they know…

Edward had gotten hold of the ball again and was racing towards the basket to score. I saw his calf muscles tense and I knew he was going to try one of his slam dunk shots to make the crowd go wild. What he didn't expect though, was one of the other team's players to lock onto him and attempt to block the shot. Everything seemed to unfurl in slow motion as Edward jumped up to shoot and was blocked, ramming his crotch into the guy's face and faceplanting on the court, clutching his damaged goods.

I hissed as he fell, knowing he must be in a lot of pain. The game was stopped as the other team swarmed around him, asking if he was okay. The rest of the gymnasium was also buzzing with conversation as Edward slowly sat up, face looking even paler than usual.

"Edward, Eddie are you okay, can you finish the game?" Of course his coach was only worried about one thing. I looked up at the scoreboard, there was still enough time left for another solid play and the Lifts were still in the lead, if only barely. I turned back to Edward in time to see him shake his head.

"No! I'm anxious and I'm bloated…and my nipples hurt." Was this the beginning of the meltdown we were expecting?

The coach frowned. "Don't be a pansy-ass, get up and finish the game!"

That only seemed to anger Edward even more as he stood up fully. "No, I wont! It's always me, ya know? W-We need you Cullen, let's go Cullen, Cullen, CULLEN!" He was in full meltdown mode now as the gymnasium fell silent. "You're always yelling at me, but do you ever _listen_ to me? What about my feelings?"

It was at that moment that he finally seemed to realize that the whole school was watching him, and he turned on his heel, ignoring the shouts from his coach to walk out of the game, pushing people out of the way.

My jaw dropped as I met the gazes of each of my friends. It was a kill-strike, and we had struck gold. No longer would people be under the thrall of Edward Cullen. He had fallen from grace and we were on top of the world.

_Rule #2 though soon came to bite us in the ass. Never underestimate your opponent._

**Next time on Edward Cullen Must Die:**

" **I'm so depressed I couldn't even enjoy the sex," Jacob groaned and three pairs of eyes turned to stare at him. He leaned backwards on my bed, and muttered, "Oh my god, I really am a slut—Ow!" He had leaned back too far and had smacked the back of his head on my headboard.**

" **I can't believe I ate meat for him," Alice growled as we shifted our gazes to her. "I mean it was fish, but still I don't eat anything with a face."**

_**How did I get in this deep? Revenge I could deal with, but having three jilted ex-lovers of Edward Cullen sitting in my bed eating their weights in junk food? Not what I signed up for.** _


End file.
